No but seriously, why the fuck am I still single?

nicoosuxx:

is there no one who can handle all of this?

whenever something happens in my life i imagine how i’ll talk about it in interviews when i’m famous

tomlinsarse:

i’m about to cry

my brother told me that only today he found out that LGBT stood for les/gay/bi/trans instead of lettuce green bacon tomato

he looked at me and he had tears in his eyes and he said in the most horrified voice

i’ve been telling people i like LGBT sandwiches okay that means i’ve been having gay sandwiches

then he started to cry and ran off and yelled

they all think i’ve had gay threesomes!!!!!

i’m actually crying omg 

nicoosuxx:

Walmart: Let’s buy 30 cash registers and only keep two open